RISC World

The Hugh Jampton Experience

Available, only due to contractual obligation,'s...Hugh...Jampton!

Welcome one and all to my wonderful corner of RISCWorld. A sunny place littered with Diet Coke bottles and discarded Domino's pizza boxes. Anyway by routing through the rubbish I am able to find...wait for it...

The caption competition

As you know, well those who read this column know, every issue I publish a photo and ask RISCWorld readers to come up with an amusing caption. Last issue I gave you this!

So what was in the bulging e-mail sack?

"Bird flu's a bitch"
David Bradforth

Dave then went on to ask if he would win. Here's a clue, the answer rhymes with Hoe.

"Orville goes to the "quacks" for some "tweetment"
Matt Thompson

"So, Mr Grates, exactly which RISCOS version were you trying to mess up?"
Thomas Shevels

"Bird flu, it's not all bad news!"
Kevin Simpson

However our clear winner is.

Tony Stutters

Congratulations to Tony. A lorry load of air is being delivered as we speak. Anyway before we move on to this issues caption we need to move back, in true Dr Who style, to the caption from last issue. At the time I complained that nobody has entered. Having been shamed into submission a couple of readers managed to reach the keyboard and reply. This is what Chris newman had to say...

Dear Hugh,
Suitably admonished for lack of effort & thus chagrined (Boo hoo, sob, sniffle) us loyal readers (snivelling toady syndrome) can't let all your hard work & creative powers go to waste, so herewith some captions for the latest pic.
1."So doctor, what makes you think I've got bird flu?"
2.When I asked my fairy godmother for a bird with striking features who was powerless to say "No" I got this.....
3.Could the use of animal organs as spare parts in humans have gone too far? asks The Lancet.
4."Of course it was a stag night stunt you pillock. You don't think I wear this all the time do you?"
On seeing the cyclist picture again, in retrospect, knowing alas & alack it's too late now (story of my life) but herewith.....
"Our satellite navigation system for cyclists obviously still needs a few tweaks," said a bemused spokesman for the firm.
Keep up the good work Hugh,
We all love you madly,
Chris Newman

Thanks Chris, it's nice to have the unsolicited testimonials, exactly as I asked for. Anyway Chris wasn't the only reader who sent in a caption for the last issue we also had:

"New Cycle lanes marking cause confusion!"
Thomas Shevels

So since I can't be bothered to re-write the first part of my column I will declare Chris the winner of last issues caption competition. He wins a luxury all expenses paid enema (hosepipe included). I must say that it's great to see that RISC OS users aren't behind the times!

Lets move on and see what you can come up with for this little beauty.

Send your entries to

Now we have the funny pictures, then everyone can go to bed, because it's getting a bit late.

Hugh's picture gallery

Firstly a quick warning, if you are easily offended, then tough luck.

First a quick safety warning.

After all the driving perhaps a nice snack might be in order?

And something to wash it down with?

And after the food and drink don't forget the essentials.

Now a quick word from our sponsors.

And returning to the motorcycle theme.

Finally a warning you shouldn't ignore

Don't forget your Horlicks...goodnight John Boy...

Hugh Jampton