RISC World

The Hugh Jampton Experience

It's the man who's still waiting for, not's...Hugh...Jampton!

Thanks for taking the time to read the Hugh Jampton column. If you have arrived here by accident then tough luck. I have locked your browser so you will have to read my inane ramblings before your computer will be released! Ha...ha...etc. So let's start our first round of Chinese water torture with our beloved (are you sure about that - ED) caption competition.

The caption competition

As you will no doubt recall, in the last issue I published this and asked for your proposed captions. After the veritable torrent of one entry flooded in we have a massive no change:

So, who has nothing better to do?....

"Is this not a dog biscuit then?"
Vic Newman

"As soon as I work out how to get free of this ******* fancy-dress outfit I'll be able to eat properly but until then.........."
Vic Newman

"Couldn't you please make the stools taller"
Vic Newman

"As soon as I've been to the osteopath to get this neck sorted I'll be better at this."
Vic Newman

So congratulations to Vic for his efforts and a big smack round the chops to everyone else who couldn't be bothered. I don't know, I work my fingers down to the bone for you lot and you can't even manage a simple e-mail that saves me having to write a couple of sentences myself. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves, I know I am.

Hugh's time travel competition

Before we leave the wonderful world of captions it's yet again time for Hugh's time travel competition. Here users send in entries for old competitions under the vague excuse that I never got the e-mails. Huh, as if...

Anyway a couple of issues ago we published this:

Lo and behold it's Vic Newman again, with...

"Media interest has been sparked by a rumour that a descendant of Monsieur Guillotine is working on the seating design for a well know car firm."

"The RSPCA has distanced itself from a new publication about how to safely restrain your pet while driving."

"If they were MY back legs, would I be looking this worried.....?"

"Fido is so eager to go for rides, it's difficult to stop him leaping headlong into the boot as soon as I open it."

This time I wasn't confused at all as I half expected this to occur, so would anyone fancy doing a new caption for the picture in Volume 4 Issue 3? I havn't bothered seeing what the picture in that issue is myself, but I am sure you can check for yourselves.

Anyway, let's have this issue's picture...

As usual send your filthy spam to, don't forget to set the message title as something about Viagra to guarantee that I will read it. (that was a joke, I think. - ED).

Hugh's picture gallery

After my comment about EEC female parking spaces in the last issue I was sent this...

For our older readers here is a replaceent cut out and keep speedo for your car...

Can someone please write their own Mrs Slocombe gag...

And here is something for the Blue Peter generation...

Reports that the budget for vehicle clamps have been reduced have been hotly denied...

That's it, can someone please put the cat out......(why, is it on fire? - ED)

Hugh Jampton