RISC World

The Hugh Jampton Experience

Is it a software engineer? Is it a Pain? Half's Hugh Jampton

Thanks for joining me in the first issue of volume 8 of RISCWorld (the magazine for people who are asleep). So in order to make sure that your beauty sleep is not interrupted I recommend reading this column with your computer switched off. After all who wants all that noise going on whilst you are trying to sleep, plus the light from the monitor could easily disturb you. If you still can't manage to nod off - perhaps because you are still reading this (surely not this rubbish? - Ed) and haven't turned the computer of yet then may I suggest that instead of counting sheep you start counting back issues of Qercus....281...280...279...feeling sleepy yet? No neither am I, so let's jump out of bed and get the usual rigmarole out of the way.

The caption competition

Even those of you are are just nodding off will no doubt be familiar with the picture I published last issue.

Luckily one of my plucky readers saved me from having to make up the captions myself (surely not - Ed) and presented us with...

"Excuse me, could you direct me to the nearest china shop?"
Chris Newman

"This is the last time I come to Spain for a bloody holiday"
Someone else called Chris Newman

"Microsoft's new Vista brings reality to a monitor near you"
New Chrisman

"My skidding on this road is a terrible health & safety issue and I shall be suing the local council"
Chris Newman (no relation)

"Could you pass me a tissue, by dose is rudding"
Chris (don't call me Vic) Newman

"Get out of this one you stupid camera man"
Man Chrisnew

So a hearty congratulations to our 6 joint winners and an industrial size bag of shame for our losers (that's you, yes you, come on you know you didn't enter and all you had to do was send in an e-mail...the shame of it).

The new caption competition with a prize!

Well, that's that whinge over so perhaps someone would be kind enough to send in a funny caption for this picture?

As a special incentive I am actually going to offer the winner a prize! So the winner of this issue's competition will receive absolutely free a £10 APDL software voucher that can be used against the purchase of any APDL, ProAction, Fourth Dimension or iSV Products software. The voucher can be used as payement for any 1 software title up to £10 in value, or as part payment for any title over £10. Blimey, that's if that's not worth an e-mail then I don't know what is!

So lets quickly move on, and completely avoiding as it doesn't work on RISC OS browsers, get to the silly pictures bit.

Hugh's picture gallery

Now this is service with a smile...

Everything you need for the perfect wedding...

And everything you don't need on the honeymoon...

I thought we had better get back to the toilet humour...

What about adults with gas?

Winner of the Golden Lion pointless sign award.

And finally just in case it wasn't a fart...

Hugh Jampton