RISC World

The Hugh Jampton Experience

If it aint broken down, he'll break it, if it ain't working, good luck, if it ain't insured, it's gonna be gone...cos his names Hugh Jampton...on...on

Do you know that I always have problems starting this column (perhaps some jump leads would help - ED) as I am never quite sure what I can say that won't get edited out before this column gets published. The other thing is that I have actually gone back and looked at my past columns and, although I couldn't be sure, I am starting to get the feeling that I am beginning to repeat myself...myself...myself...

Sorry about that, so in order to bring some life back to this column I am going to make a few changes (thank god - ED). However let's get the traditional caption competition out of the way.

The caption competition

If you could be bothered to read this column last time then you might have noticed this:

You might also have noticed that I asked for some captions to go with it:

"They did say it was a fast green"
Andy Brown

As an aside I should mention that Andy said he was a big fan of this column, thanks. This is also the first time he has entered our competition. I can only assume that until recently he's had something worthwhile to do with his life, but he has some competition...

"I said 'keep your eye on the ball'"
Bryan Page

"He used the wrong club"
Reg Southwell

"Don't blink, you might miss it!"
Bryan Page (Again)

"It left me in stitches."
Reg Southwell Part 2

"These high definition lenses are incredibly expensive so you have to take great care of them...aaaaargghhhh........"
Chris Newman

" at this shutter speed you can capture almost any movement...aaaaaarrgghh."
Chris Newman (Rpt)

" see dear, golf is a much safer sport than say, Rugby, Skiing or Shooting...aaaarrgghh."
Chris Newman (another chance to see...)

"...the dimples in the ball make it go much faster.....aaaarrgghh"
Chris Newman (Omnibus edition)

"Wait 'till they see this picture at the club...aaaaarrgghh"
Chris Newman (Classic episode)

"Don't worry dear - we're quite safe at this distance....aaaaarrgghh"
Chris Newman (A viewers favourite)

"So you wanted to see a hole-in-one...aaaarrgghh"
Chris Newman (Now on DVD)

"How do you think we should phrase the insurance claim?"
Chris Newman (Also shown at midnight on BBC 4)

Of particular note was Chris Newman's sterling efforts. Chris also said "I'm not doing it for the £10 voucher you understand but for the glory, the kudos, the immense satisfaction of appearing in your mag page". Which is a bit of luck because he didn't win.

In the end we (I) have decided that our winner will be Andy Brown. So Andy, you have won a £10 APDL software voucher. To claim your voucher just contact APDL (the details are in the contact section of this issue) and say "Hi, my name is Andy Brown and I've won a £10 software voucher in the RISCWorld caption competition." Then you can use the voucher to claim any software item that's worth costs up to £10, or put the £10 towards a more expensive item.

The £10 Caption Competition

So if you fancy an APDL software voucher all you have to do is send in your suggested caption for this:

As a reminder this competition is not open to APDL or RISCWorld employee's. My decision on who wins is final, so no arguments. If there is no winner than the prize will roll over to next issue, making it £11, (that's two 1's and we will ignore the extra zero to make it easier) Don't forget the voucher can be used against the purchase of any APDL, ProAction, Fourth Dimension or iSV Products software. The voucher can be used as full payment for any 1 software title up to £10 in value, or as part payment for any title over £10.

The intermittent letters corner will now be making a unwelcome return...

Hugh's letters corner

Dear Hugh,
I read your complaints about the lack of response to your last caption competition with some disappointment as I replied with the comment that I would say that it was a load of bull.
Reg Southwell

Thanks, that would have been a winning caption, but I never got it, which is a shame. However I do have your captions for last issues competition, but you haven't won. Still never mind you have been featured on the page, and that's the main thing.

For the one with the golf ball:

Dear Hugh,
Heh! Heh! Heh! That had you worried for a while, didn't it?
(Well you see, I know considerably less than diddly-squat about golf, but isn't that a putter the guy is wielding? I didn't think those were intended to get golf balls airborne at any notable rate of knots.)
The Japanese loo directions are a hoot, aren't they? They're also pretty typical, I can tell you. Oh no, actually they're not - they're at least trying to be in English. One of the best ones I spotted was at a railway station near Osaka: "the directions to the bus stop for Kansai International Airport are in Japanese only for the obvious benefit of international travellers".
BTW, the loo sign is actually accurate. If you're standing reading the sign, your derriere (bum -ED) is indeed pointing towards the loo - it says they're behind you.
Michael Poole

Having had another look at the picture it seems like you are right. The chap is using a putter. Mind you he has a mean old swing on it don't you think? I was recently told that China now has a policy of replacing badly translated road signs with "proper" English ready for the 2008 Olympics. This is a shame as the signs would keep the English team amused whilst waiting for the early flight home...

Moving swiftly on, one of our other readers has a different complaint...

Dear Hugh,
I am Chris (as in Christopher). Last time you called me Vick as our e-mail is provided by the organization the wife works for & her name somehow gets plastered everywhere if the missive is forwarded to you. Hope this is as clear to you as it is me (i.e. mud). Come to think of it, I get plastered everywhere if there is a suitable alcoholic beverage available.
Chris (stop calling me Vic) Newman

Sorry about the confusion on the names front, still it was an easy mistake to make. Have you considered asking for your own e-mail address, or aren't you allowed one without a letter from your psychiatrist? As for getting plastered the last time I got plastered was doing some DIY...ha..ha...plastered...........oh have it your own way, here are some pretty pictures to cheer you up....

Hugh's picture gallery

Mirodigital MD David Atkins' neighbour sends him a subliminal message...

Now that's really what I call a crap car...

Fun things to do with money, part 34...

Blimey this kitten is a bit vicious...

Apparently Microsoft have some competition now...

Finally a message for all RISC OS developers...

Hugh Jampton