RISC World

The Hugh Jampton Experience

Do the shake and Vac...and put the Jampton the shake and Vac...and put the Jampton back...if your carpets smells fresh, Hugh's not been round...

Once again welcome to the tail end of RISCWorld. That's unless you started reading my article first, in which case welcome to the start of RISCWorld. Of course you could have jumped here half way way through in which case welcome to the middle of RISCWorld.

Now a quick update. I've just been reliably informed that if I carry on with this I'll be saying welcome to job seekers allowance, so I'll stop. (for good? - ED).

So having got that difficult first paragraph over with lets quickly skip toward the great unloved RISCWorld caption competition...

The caption competition

As I am sure your meals on wheels lady will be able to tell you, last issue I asked for your best (actually any) attempts with this:

Well it seems as though the offer of a prize was all the motivation that was needed to get you all pounding the keyboard and rushing your entries in. So lets see what you all came up with...

"Ere mate, what's 'Geronimo-o-o!!' in French?"
Michael Poole

Michael also went on to add that he couldn't remember where he first heard the word geronimo, but that it was probably something from a film when Noah was a lad. Sorry, but films weren't invented back then. Everyone had to make their own entertainment by swilling out..phew...

"For feet read feat"
Reg Southwell

"Some feat?"
Reg Southwell

I couldn't help noticing that these two seem to be almost the same. Still Reg does very well, for his age, bless...

"Somebody has pinched the ladder"
reg Southwell

Ahh, he's gone up a

Finally we have a collection of entries from Chris Straight-Jacket-Newman.

"A Microsoft executive who is known to have given the go-ahead to release Vista before all the hardware driver issues had been sorted is asked to consider his position."
Chis Newman

"So "Interdit" isn't the French for "exit" then....."
Chris Newman

"What did Isaac Newton know about anything then?"
Chris Newman

Sterling work from Chris there, and he entries were just good enough to lose completely, as our winner is:

"The new Action A100 digital camera from Canon. Even takes pictures in freefall."
Christoper Dewhurst

So that's a round of applause for the winner and a round of mortar fire for our losers. Chris has one himself a shiny £10 APDL software voucher. This can be collected in person on any alternate Friday the 13th whilst dressed in tin foil during a thunderstorm. Or just contact APDL and they will sort it out.

The £10 Caption Competition

As I am never one to change a bad idea, here is yet another chance to win a luxury, toner embossed, APDL £10 software voucher. The winner can use the voucher to claim any software item, from the APDL, iSV products or ProAction software range, that costs up to £10, or put the £10 towards a more expensive item. Note that members of the RISCWorld editorial staff, goldish, members of the house of lords and any other idiots are welcome to enter. My decision is final and no correspondence will be...blah..blah..etc.

So feast your eyes on this...

So get your best brain cells working and you too could be part of that exclusive club of RISCWorld winners. A club that guarantees you free entry to any street in England. Now lets have another (another? - ED) new feature.

Reader's Jokes

Chris Newman helpfully sent me a joke, to help fill up the column.

"A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
That's when the proctologist fainted."

Thank you Chris. If any other readers have any joke's they would like to share, please do get in touch.

So lets get this over with and have some funny pictures.

Hugh's picture gallery

Lets all start off with a nice bottle of Chris Newman's favourite wine...

Hmm, bet that has a distinctive aroma...yes, I'm getting dangleberries and just a hint of Andrex...

Mind you after a glass of wine who doesn't fancy a dance...

Although driving isn't a good idea...

A new car dealer has been launched, aimed at women drivers...

Virgin Airlines unveils it's new livery...

The Mr Men also get a much needed update...

Finally, Ladybird books release a new range aimed at 21st century children...

Don't forget to send your complaints to RISCOS Now magazine...

Hugh Jampton